Enable is Not a Four Letter Word

The word enable has come to have very negative connotations in part because of its association with the recovery community.  There the word enable is all about keeping the addict from facing the true consequences of their addiction. It has spread outside the world of Alcoholics Anonymous and into other worlds, such as our discussions of social welfare programs and the concern that too much help leads to dependence and that we must be particularly leery of giving too much help to those who are poor or struggling.  There is an assumption that when it comes to money we should all be able to make it on our own with a few exceptions for the "truly" ill and disabled or elderly. Yet even here the assumption is that people would rather not work than work, that the poor and struggling are some how more lazy then the rest of us, more inclined to take advantage, less interested in doing for themselves.

Yet the meaning of the word enable is about making possible. It is about making it possible for something else to happen.  So when we enable another person, it is also about making it possible for them to do something they could not otherwise do.  This in and of itself is not a bad thing.  It can be an opening to possibility, it can be about providing a necessary thing for the person to be empowered to move forward, to move toward greater self-sufficiency. The challenge of course is when is our enabling helpful and when is it harmful.  There are no clear rules and each context and person is different.  Yet in this economy I think we have to start erring more on enabling and less on withholding our help and support.

Let us use for example, the life of J.K. Rowling.  J.K. Rowling is now a successful and wealthy author. She wrote the brilliant Harry Potter series which has touched adults and children alike.  Each book was made into a very successful movie - it was groundbreaking. Yet when she started writing she was on public assistance.  She wrote much of the first book in cafes.  Now in this country most public assistance would not allow a similar situation to occur here.  Yet without the generosity of the economic safety net of Great Britain, the Harry Potter books might not exist and let's face it Great Britain has by now collected far more in taxes from J.K. Rowling than they ever paid out in benefits to her.

What if we saw our public assistance or even our private assistance as ways to truly enable others? What if instead of asking what is the bare minimum, we saw our efforts as truly lifting people to a new place?  What if we took away shame and stigma and replaced it with an attitude of that all of us at one time or another is going to need something from others that we cannot do for ourselves? For some that help maybe in terms of money, others it may be learning a new skill, or a listening ear, or help moving.

Our emphasis on being independent and self-sufficient has gotten to the point where asking for or accepting any kind of assistance is something to be ashamed of, something not to be repeated.  Yet we are not self-created, self-sustaining beings. We need each other and we impact each other all the time.  Our individual choices are not independent - they have impact on others for good and ill.  All of us will find ourselves in need of help at different times of our lives whether when we are young and need caring adults or when we become ill or injured or get older.  We need each other to find and do work in the world.  Any job search book will tell you that networking with others is the single number one thing we can do to find a job. It is not just about finding job listings and sending out resumes even though that is what most people think of when they think of job hunting. I was just asked how many resumes I have sent out for my job search and yet I was not asked how many connections have I made, how have I reached out to my network - yet coaches, job advice boards will tell you it is not about the number of jobs I apply to but about the connections I make with others.  Making those connections is about asking others to enable you to find the connection to a job.  The most effective job search tool is all about asking others to enable someone to find a new job.

I think the key question to ask is "will this action on my part enable this person to greater self-sufficiency or am I doing something they could do for themselves?"  Of course we have to know whether or not the person can do it on their own. Saying to the person who has no money and no job - I won't help you because you "should" do this for yourself when they have nothing is asking for the impossible.  Telling someone who is in constant pain but may look 'normal' to you that they should be working 8 hours a day only adds to the depression and struggle of their everyday life.  This is not always about what we think someone should be able to do but rather we need to truly see the person and the situation as they truly are in the present moment and then ask will my help hurt or harm.  We may get it wrong.  I guess I would rather help and get it wrong, then not help and get it wrong. I prefer to presume the best in others and hang in there with them.  I know how good it feels both to receive needed help and to give it.  When we make enabling a bad thing then we take away the joy in giving and being needed.

 

Let's stop making the word enable a bad word and let's instead take the words of the song "Lean on Me"to heart remembering that we ALL need someone to lean on.

Life is Not Like School - Revisited

As more and more of my Facebook feed is filled with news of the return to school I thought it would

My Masters degree graduation! I did it!

be a good time to revisit this post from 2014 on "Life is Not Like School."  The end of August and beginning of September bring the preparation and start of school.  Relief for many parents who have been busy juggling work and children without the structure of the school year and others who will miss having the extended periods of time with their children.  Children and teens approach the start of school with a mix of feelings - excitement, dread, anxiety.  I personally loved the start of school.  It meant new uniforms, new school supplies and the opportunity to begin again with a blank slate. After all I was very good at school, I have excelled at it.  I love books and learning, engaging in the discussion of ideas.  College and Graduate school were wonderful times of learning, stretching, growing.  My two favorite childhood games were school and house.  I am grateful that my life has allowed me to do both.

I also wanted to share this post in light of this post by Glennon Doyle Melton from Momastery.  Like Glennon, we are parents who are more concerned that our daughter be thoughtful, brave, and kind than able to pass a standardized test or jump through hoops so schools look good.  It is a big reason that we homeschool. Our daughter is a critical thinker, she is aware of the world around her and brings a critical analytical lens to issues such as race, gender, and sexuality.  So as our children return to school let us remember that there are more important things than test scores, grades and getting into the "right" school.  

I also post this for those also looking for their next professional opportunity.  Many of us remain stuck in a school mind set when it comes to life and school.  This article posted on LinkedIn gives insight of what happens when we fail to prepare our children for LIFE in our worry about how they are doing in school.  Education is important - even more important are the ways we prepare our children for life and the type of people they become.  Are we raising ethical, loving, brave, thoughtful people or just ones who know how to get ahead at any price? Are we adults living life, a life open to learning and exploring, or still stuck in the mindset of being a student, who completes all the assignments and does what is expected?

So at the start of a new year, let's make sure that we teach our children about life and not just about school!

Life Is Not Like School

Now maybe for some of you out there this does not come as a major revelation, yet for me this hit home.  I was on a Confidence Coaching call with David Kaiser from Dark Matter Consulting and David said "Work is not like school. Your boss does not give you assignments and then you turn them and get approval."  Yet I realized when he said that how much I unconsciously expect life to work like school.

You see I am good at school. I played school as a child (it comes honest, my mother and grandmother were teachers), I have a degree from Georgetown, a Masters Degree from the Jesuit School of Theology at Santa Clara (ok it was Berkeley when I graduated) and enough credits for an M.Div. thanks to my years at Wesley Theological Seminary and my year at Starr King.  See I got very very good at school, not to the point of being top of my class or earning top honors but I know how to do school. I know exactly how much work I needed to do to get the grade I wanted.  I had teachers who pushed me and inspired me to do my best. Probably if I had had some good mentoring and support, I probably would have done great getting a PhD and spending my life teaching.

What I realized on that call is that I keep expecting, again not consciously, for life to respond to me like school. That life will give me assignments, with clear directions as to completion, my job is to create the product that has been assigned.  Now granted graduate school did give me the opportunity to explore some of my own ideas, to create my own final project for my MTS (which was terrifying by the way). For the most part however, I was given the assignments, did the work and rewarded for my efforts.

Yet work does not work that way, certainly life doesn't work that way. Life doesn't give you assignments, it gives you experiences and opportunities.  Life is about what you will do with those experiences and opportunities. There is no guaranteed outcome.  You can do the very best job at an opportunity and you can still  fail or be fired or someone won't like it. You can be the most qualified, amazing person for a job and may not get it or you may get fired from it.  It is a myth that we base things on merit.  Only school, and even then not always, rewards merit.

What it all means? Well that it is really up to each of us.  For some people being fired from a job is the best thing that has ever happened to them.  They are overjoyed (oh sure it may sting) or if not overjoyed they are relieved.  Others it is truly the end of the world and they can't recover. They may take their life.  They may sink into a depression that it will take them months or years to emerge from.  Some are born into situations of incredible adversity and they are able to overcome it and for others, far too many others, they can't. Yet somehow we expect them to.  It is about the story we tell ourselves and too often the story we have been told to tell ourselves.  Far too often others tell us what an event or experience is supposed to mean, and far too often we listen and believe it.  So if you are told often enough - you will never amount to anything, your circumstances are too far gone then chances are you will believe it even if your soul is screaming "No No No No!"

Also key is that in life we are not in control. You see school taught me that I was in control. That as long as I did the work assigned and got the right answers I would be rewarded. I was taught it didn't matter if I didn't like my teacher, it didn't matter what other students did or did not do, I was master here and whatever I did or did not do was all that mattered. Yet in life other people do matter. In fact those people who overcome all the odds, behind them you will find teachers, mentors, parents who supported them, believed them, coached them. They help silence the voices that say it won't ever be different. I was blessed by amazing educational opportunities and yes, while I created some of that myself, so much of it came because of my family, where I was born, what I was given, what I was not in control of in the least.

In addition, somewhere along the way, maybe because I went to all Catholic schools growing up, my initial ideas about vocation were very much like school. God has a plan for each of us, each of us has a gift to give the world. Our job is to figure out what God has planned for us - the assignment - then we are to live that out as best we can and then at the end God will let us know how well we did.  Now obviously if you read this blog, you know that my ideas, thoughts and reflections about vocation have grown beyond this. Yet this still resides within.  One thing we often forget in developmental theory is that whether we are talking about stages of moral development, faith development, emotional development etc. we all still have the stages within us. Just because I am not just at the magical thinking stage of faith development doesn't mean that part of me doesn't still practice it - particularly at times of stress.  So sometimes when it feels really hard, I think I didn't get the assignment right, or that I am not doing the assignment the way I am supposed to (goodness knows there have been enough people letting me know that they don't think I have it right or that I am doing it the right way in the least) - then I need to stop.  I need to be reminded that life is not school, there is no assignment and I am not necessarily doing it wrong. It is just hard right now - so as one of my favorite memes right now says "Yell Plot Twist and Move On."

So life is not like school.  It is not about assignments and checking off requirement lists.  God doesn't hand out assignments along with hair and eye color.  Life is more like home school.  You have to dive in and figure it out. You have to follow your interests and figure out they ways you learn best.  As a homeschool parent who was schooled, my first task was to let go of what it means to "learn" to be "educated" and what school "has" to look like.  Our home school does not look anything like school as I experienced it.  Our homeschool is experimental, involves cooking, videos, books, and lots and lots of talking.  Oh and the thing that is the most different?  We do it as a family.  While Donna takes the lead, I get to come along on the field trips. If I post the article about the lunar eclipse at 3 am (why are astronomical events always at 3 am?) then I am the one getting up to see if we can see it.  School does not happen between 8 and 3, M through F with summers off. Homeschool happens whenever and wherever - like life does!

The key to vocation and to life is making a study of yourself, of who you are.  It is understanding who you are at your core, not the person you are supposed to be, not your parent's dream of who you are or would be, not the person society says you should want to be.  Life and vocation are about fully and authentically becoming the person you came into this world to be.  The person you have to be because your soul will not let you be anything less!  When will you graduate? Only when your life is done!

I Never Imagined

I never thought I would find myself here, in this situation.  It wasn't supposed to happen to me.  Not me.  This happens to others - lazy unworthy others who are to blame for their own predicament.  Yet here is where I find myself.  Is this my fault?  I keep wondering, how did I get here?  Where did I make the wrong turn? 

Then the questions turn again:  What if it isn't only a result of my choices?  What if my choices met bad luck, and other people's choices?  What if stuff just happens? 

Finally: Really does it matter how I got here? Does it matter if it is my fault or not or somewhere in between?  Did I "attract" this? (what does that even mean?) Is this someone's will for me?  If so, who and who would be so cruel? (God, and if so what kind of God can be called love and yet act with such cruelty)  And again does it matter?

Really all that matters is that here I am.  There is no choice but to move forward (or maybe not but what would not moving forward even be?).   The only option is to keep going, keep making choices, do the best I can.  Then maybe one day I can tell this story, in its fullness. Maybe it will help someone show more compassion or someone know they are not alone. For now I can only speak in vague questions, vague references.  Later it will be time to tell the story but right now I can't sort it all out.  This chapter is not yet ended and until I know what happens I can't sort out all its meanings and nuances.

In the meantime, I pray, I write, I keep reaching out. I keep seeking, looking for options, making choices looking for a way through.  For there is no over, no out, there is only through.  I am not sure what I will find on the other side, I have some ideas but I don't know.  I know I am more compassionate. I know that this opened my eyes, my mind and my heart.  I know things now that I did not know before.  I have an empathy for people who struggle in ways I did not before.

 

Most of the time I have hope, I know I will make it through. I know I am not alone.  Yet there are other times I am not as sure and all I can do is pray and ride it through reminding myself it will get better, this will pass, nothing stays the same. I remind myself of the blessings, that this isn't all that is true for me even it feels overwhelming and all encompassing.  The only thing I know for sure is that this will change for change is inevitable, everything changes.  May it change for the better, sooner rather than later.

 

No, I never imagined myself here and the question is what will I do now that I am. I can't move forward if I keep looking back wondering how I got here.  I have no ability to go back and change the past, there is only moving forward and even with that there is no guarantee, no assurance of success.  My choices are to give up or to keep moving forward and for now I choose to move forward.

Where have you found yourself that you never imagined; that you were not supposed to be? 

What gets you through?  Will you choose to keep moving forward or is there a time to surrender, 

a time to just let go? How will you know?

Good Enough - Revisited

This seems like the perfect (I know another pun!) time to re-post this piece from March on Good Enough.  I am deep into the job search and our housing search here in Richmond.  I love being here in Richmond. It is a wonderful city, with amazing murals on the buildings, so much rich history, and a wide diversity of people.  I have connected in with a great group for networking and have already had the chance to do some training for them.  I am working part-time at Food Lion.  Housing is a challenge and we are still in temporary housing. This is truly no time to be focused on perfection and yet conversely with the pressure on to find a job quickly, perfectionism tends to rear its ugly head. The running dialogue in my head can sound something like this:  "Am I networking perfectly; am I seeking out enough opportunities; oh and those follow ups; and are my cover letters perfect enough." So this is an important reminder to me at this time and I hope you find it helpful as well!

Moving and temporary housing are expensive particularly when you only have a part-time job. If you are so moved, any donation you could make to help support us is deeply appreciated! Blessings! 

Good Enough

I recently read this article on The Power of 'Good Enough' in The Atlantic.  I am a perfectionist and often find myself surrounded by other perfectionists. Certainly I was raised in a home that far too often taught that I must be perfect - perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect perfect perfect.  I learned early that anything less, any mistake was all my fault and that I should have somehow known better. Learning was not a process of making mistakes but rather knowing the right answer, every single time.  Now in fairness to my parents, they too are perfectionists raised by parents who also taught them that they had to be perfect, had to measure up, had to meet their expectations. I know that for my mother, her mother's amazing, ceiling breaking career instead of inspiring her gave her a sense of not measuring up and for my father, failing to make real his mother's expectation that he become a doctor resulted in a man who again never measured up, never quite made it. So the concept of "Good Enough" is truly foreign to me in some ways.

On the one hand it makes perfect sense (yes that pun was intended!) that we have to make choices and that most of the time good enough is enough, probably even more than enough.  After all there is no perfect mate, perfect marriage, perfect career, perfect faith.  Most of life, and certainly the most important things life are messy and imperfect.  Yet how many of us are plagued by the disease of perfection?  I know in my religious circle of Unitarian Universalists we are a people of perfection. For all our embracing of a diversity of faith, we are communities of professionals - academics, doctors, lawyers, community leaders and with that comes a sense of high expectation and we are not very good at learning to embrace mistakes.  I remember once in a UU setting someone posted a disparaging joke in an email, without the intention to do harm but the impact was immediate.  There was an immediate and swift response to the email that included statements that they didn't know if they could be in a community where such things were posted. My response to this whole situation was to know that I could never make a mistake within that context for fear that repercussions would be fast and furious. Again the expectation in some places is that our anti-oppression work must be perfect.

So one of the things I realized as I read this post is that I have been paralyzed by thinking that there is this one perfect job or career out there - the one that will use my gifts and skills and pay me well and that I will enjoy and oh that is my calling. Oh no pressure there!  I have written repeatedly on this blog about vocation and really wrestling to listen to my life, to realize that maybe the Holy is less concerned with the specific job or career and more concerned that I take my whole, deep authentic self to the work - whatever it is.  I wrestle over and over again with this idea that there is a job out there that I am supposed to have and be doing and that I just have not found it yet.  I know that I have found a number of jobs that don't work, or no longer work.  Oh and that is the other thing I wrestle with - that once I find this ideal job or career I am supposed to stay in forever, it is supposed to be the perfect thing forever.  What if it is really ok that each job or career has been the right job or choice for that period of time but now it is time for something different, something new because I am different, I have not remained the same.

What would it mean to have a good enough job?  What is the job that is good enough for now?  What is most important to me at this stage of my life?  I know that we want to be settled into a location for the long term and we have decided that place will be Richmond, Virginia.  I know I want a job that will support the three of us and that we stop living on the edge financially.  I know I want time to pursue things like forming a Georgetown Alumni Club in Richmond (there is no Alumni club anywhere in Virginia - what is up with that?!). I want to join a book club.  I want to take yoga and work out.  I want to cultivate friends and community.

So what is this good enough job?  I know that I am an excellent teacher, facilitator, program creator and director, writer and speaker.  I know that I love technology and love learning new technology.  I love the ways social media and technology connect us around the world.  I am working with a start up Maker Space and one of the reasons this excites me is that it is about bringing people together to create and learn together - learning that involves mistakes, learning through finding out what doesn't work. That is exciting to me!

So I am working on embracing a good enough job and wondering what might happen if I open myself to all sorts of possibility. What if I can really learn to let go of perfection?  What if I can free myself from the pressure and restrictions that the quest for perfection brings with it?  Because the reality is that perfection is paralyzing.  I get so worried about getting it wrong, or being found to be less than that I put things off, don't put myself out there, become highly self-conscious.  In my quest to be perfect and not get anything wrong, I put my light under basket.

So maybe my true calling is to discover the gift of "good enough." And maybe, in finding the position that is 'good enough' ... I will find myself being proud of the work I do, my gifts being useful and my personal life more fulfilling. Perhaps, then my light can really shine brightly.

What do you think?

I Don't Make a Good Nomad - Revisited

Well it is just over a year later and I am once again finding myself a nomad. One thing we are working on for this move is that Richmond will be our final settling down place.  We are so excited to be here. Now we just need a place to call home and I am working hard at finding a job.

Here is to hoping that this will be a very short nomadic period and that we will soon be settling into a new life here in Richmond, VA!

In the meantime, a reminder about how I am really quite a bad nomad!

Happy Thursday!

I Don't Make a Good Nomad

Over the past few months my family and I have been rather nomadic.  We moved out of Williamsburg in February and then we have lived in three different places here on the Outer Banks before finally landing in our place for this year in Kitty Hawk.  This weekend we were finally able to get our stuff from storage in Williamsburg (we landed here June 1 and have been doing a modified form of camping here in our new place). We have most of our stuff  although it wouldn't quite all fit on the truck (yes this is where you just go UGH!!!). So now I am writing to you from our couch (hooray!) surrounded by boxes and nothing quite where it should be. All three of us are exhausted and sore from lifting and carrying.

I have new found respect for Sarah and Abraham, the Israelites who wandered the dessert for forty years and all the other nomads of the Hebrew Scriptures. That is way too much packing and unpacking. Way too much of not being settled.  I would have been one of the loudest complaining Israelites and probably would have been barred from ever actually entering the Promised Land because of it.  Ok maybe not and I actually think the Divine is much much more benevolent that that but certainly the other Israelites would have been done with me.  Let's just leave it that I would never make it as a permanent nomad. 

One reason I am terrible nomad is that I need way too much stuff with me.  I get a tad too frustrated with missing certain items - you know like spatulas and our really good knife!  We love to cook and we were very lucky that in most of the places we stayed the kitchens were well stocked. When we finally landed here we had very limited kitchen supplies (hence the no spatula and no good knife).  Secondly the constantly living out of bags, packing up our belongings every few weeks meant that I never felt settled and once I would get settled we were off again. I have discovered I have a deep need for place - I really need to have a place to spread out and call home.  Finally we are here and so is our stuff (ok most of our stuff) and all that is left is the long hard work of unpacking and finding homes for all our belongings.  We unpack knowing that we are here for this year and then life will shift again. My goal for this year is to put down roots, not hold back, enjoy all the Outer Banks has to offer and then know that I lived fully while I was here and knowing that I only have a certain amount time to enjoy it.  I am going to risk it being hard to say goodbye!  And I am certainly going to enjoy not being a nomad for the next eleven months!

Ah yes now to the unpacking!

So are you a nomad or not so much?  What are your best and worst memories of moving?
What makes a place home for you?

By the way moving is very expensive and if you are willing, any contributions would help us get settled more

quickly!  Thanks in advance!  

It is What It Is and It Ain't What It Ain't

This expression comes from Donna's cousin Alice Gormus who frequently posts it to her Facebook page. I always chuckle when I see it.  Yet the other day I realized how much profound truth it contains.  Things are what they are and no amount of wishing or dreaming will make it different. That doesn't mean we can't act or that we should be passive recipients of whatever happens to us. It is however about seeing things as they are and dealing with them as they are rather than hoping they were different or denying what is in front of us.

It really hit me this week as I have been battling an intense war within myself that are all about the "could have" "should have" etc.  Yes I do struggle with procrastination or as I like to say it "I need the fire of the deadline."  It is how I work and no amount of shaming and no amount of "if you had just started this earlier" has changed it (shocking I know).  It finally hit me that saying to someone who is faced with a situation that maybe you fully believe they should have worked on sooner the single worst thing you can say is "Well if you had just started sooner" or "Why didn't you do that earlier?" I say that is the worst thing one can say because there is nothing that can be done with that.  Do you have a time machine or time turner like in Harry Potter?  I can't go back in time and change it, all I can do is move forward from now.  

Yet I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the words "Well why didn't you do that sooner or start that sooner or if you had just started sooner..."  It is not helpful - trust me if it was then I would be the poster child for those words.  All it feels like is that someone is taking salt and rubbing it into already sore spots.  Maybe I should have, maybe I could have but I will tell you what I know right now, I can't change that now.  I also can't tell you how much time I waste doing battle with the "I should have, could have," voices in my head.  It also has a corollary "well if you had only...." and the "well why didn't you ...." and the "you should have..." - none of them helpful.  I waste a ton of time second and third guessing my decisions and actions.  This can lead to an endless downward cycle that does lead to paralysis and sometimes passivity in response to a situation that requires decision making and action.  It is certainly not motivating or inspiring.  It is adding shame and discouragement in a moment that may already be stressful.

There may be a time to reflect back and think about  what could have been done differently but the time for that is not in the midst of the situation.  In the midst of the situation what is needed is what is going on right now and the helpful questions and statements are "What do you need" and "Can I help."  We live in the present - we can neither change the past and we can't predict for certain the future.  All we have is now.

So thank you Alice for the reminder that it is what it is and it ain't what it ain't.  Now to keep putting one foot in front of the other making the best decisions I can staying in the present moment.

So speaking of that I am in the midst of moving to Richmond, VA.  The blog may quiet down for a little bit as we are working on finding and settling into a place to live and I am looking for a job. All thoughts and prayers welcome!

Blessings!

A Time to Say Goodbye

I preached this sermon on Sunday June 28, 2015 at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of the Outer Banks.

Texts:
Story: Jonah 1-4
Reading: Sonnet 2 from "The Autumn Sonnets" by May Sarton

A Time to Say Goodbye

Now the story of Jonah may seem like a strange choice for a sermon on saying goodbye and yet it is perfect one to talk about change.  It was out of a conversation with Robert Jacobs that I realized it was the perfect story for me to share with you on this my last Sunday.  In just a couple of days, I say goodbye to the Outer Banks and hello to a new life in Richmond and you will say hello to David in just a couple of weeks.  This is a time of change and it begins as our quote from T.S. Eliot says ‘as things end’.

I was like Jonah at first when it came to coming to the Outer Banks.  I was uncertain.  When Mary Ellen called looking for a guest preacher I knew you were looking for a half time person. I was still looking for a full time job and didn’t want to put myself forward for a half-time position knowing I really wanted a full time job outside of a congregation.  Yet like Jonah, things happened a little out of my control and perfect plan.  A full time job just wasn’t materializing, another part-time job teaching did materialize and then it seemed to make sense to consider this half-time position while I figured out what to do next.  So I told Mary Ellen that things had changed and I would like to explore the position.  We agreed to a contract for six months.  I even continued to look for a job during that six months,  yet once again, it wasn’t yet time.  So I signed on for a full year and the rest as they say is history.

How often in our lives are we like Jonah.  We have a plan, a vision for our lives and then something comes up and we turn it away certain that it is not the way. We often go running off in another direction.  Then often it takes a storm or some other crisis or disaster to wake us up and to realize that we have to go to Nineveh, that place that is unexpected and often temporary or transitional, is often challenging, usually transformative and becomes that place where we end up learning and loving more than ever expected.

Jonah goes to Ninevah and has tremendous success. The people listened, they didn’t throw him in a pit, they didn’t ignore him, he wasn’t killed - all things that are typically the fate of prophets. They actually listened and did something.  Now Jonah’s response to this is be angry and sulk.   Now I have to say unlike Jonah I have not spent this year angry and pouting.  There were moments when I longed for the simplicity of one job instead of three but overall I lived into being here, being present to my life as it was and not how I had planned it to be.

Yet I understand Jonah’s response to his success. Often even when we are successful we find ourselves angry and pouting.  Maybe it was successful but not in the way we imagined.  Maybe we can only see what could have been better and not what went well (I know I have been guilty of that one on more than one occasion).  Often we have a hard time celebrating our success, our joy in work well done.  Often we only remember what was hard, what didn’t work or the moments of challenge and pain.  Yet life is not all joy and sunshine and neither is it all sadness and gloom.  Most of the time it is both - like the sun shining through the rain, like the rainbow after the storm.

We had an example on Friday, of this kind of holding of complexity. We watched from our various devices as the news proclaimed that marriage equality was now law throughout the United States and our Facebook feeds suddenly gave alive with rainbow colors. The outpouring of joy was incredible. Then just a few hours later, things changed and we witnessed the deep sadness of our President eulogizing Rev. Clementa Pinckney who was shot and killed along with 8 others in his church by a racist with a gun. I think the President modeled for us how to mourn but also how to re-member both Rev. Pinckney and the work of justice that we are all called to do … not just to talk about but to do. Some of that ‘doing’ has been about taking down the confederate flag, it is not all that needs doing but it is a beginning … for we are reminded that in every ending there is a beginning. So, on Friday, we were shown how to celebrate amidst tears, how to mourn while surrounded by messages of ‘love wins’ … all the while remembering that work is still to be done for true equality to come to fruition … it did not stop with the Civil Rights Movement and it will not stop with Marriage Equality … with every ending whether celebratory or horrendous we must reflect and begin again.

So this morning I want to reflect with you on this year knowing that this time held both deep joy as well as sorrow and struggle, let me tell you what this year and half has meant to me.  I have been blessed in ways I could have never imagined.  This community welcomed me in, welcomed my family in.  You made it possible for us to live here during our nomadic period by opening your homes.  A moving allowance allowed us to get settled into a place for the year. Tom Wilson from All Saints connected us with the person who rented us our home for the last year. Others of you helped us move our things into our place, last year in the heat of summer (and by the way if anyone wants to help move it out, we will gratefully accept).  Others helped with my finding additional employment and I tried jobs I had not done before.  I have been stretched and transformed and in such good ways.

I have loved the work - worship, pastoral care, working with the search committee and the board - most of all loving all of you. You have shared yourselves with me - the pain, the joy, your questions. Some I have seen in the hospital, one I sat with as she was dying.  I cannot put into words how holy a moment it was to sit with Florence as she lay dying.  I have had the privilege of serving as your minister and for that I will have a lifetime of gratitude.  It is likely that you will be the only congregation I serve as minister.  So some of this goodbye today is to you but it is also about closing a particular chapter of my life and my work.

This year has given me a clarity about my life that I needed. I heard someone say that often people move to the Outer Banks to put their lives back together.  While I am still working on all the pieces, I can see how this time helped me to see my life in new ways and has opened new possibilities.  The greatest gift of this year and half has been all of you.  Getting to know you, shared meals, shared games, shared worship, conversation.  You are a warm and welcoming community and a tremendous gift to the Outer Banks and the larger world of Unitarian Universalism.

So now we have to learn to say good-bye. You have had practice with this as you said goodbye to Pat. Throughout our lives we have to learn to say goodbye.  Sometimes it is “Goodbye for now” and sometimes it is truly “goodbye.”  I remember as I got older and we would visit my grandparents at some point I became aware I needed to soak in my time with them, that when I said goodbye there was always the question of whether I would see them again.  Our culture does not do a very good job with goodbyes. We resist them.  We deny them.  For to say goodbye is to realize that we live while we are dying.  We are never assured another hello, another sunrise.  I love in the Jewish prayer book that each morning you offer thanks for the opportunity to see another rising of the sun and you ask to see it rest in the west and that when darkness falls you ask for another dawning of light.  Each day is a gift and a blessing and we are only assured the moment we are in right now.

So it is important that we learn to say goodbye.  That we learn to say thank you for this time together. We offer hope that we will see each other again.  Sometimes we have to say goodbye and close the door forever. Memorial  services give us an opportunity to say goodbye, to remember the joy in the midst of sorrow and grief, and remind us to tell people what they mean to us while we have the chance.

Goodbyes are necessary and sometimes we must say goodbye to a person or chapter in our lives or a job or a dream or even a success.  With that often comes the paradox of joy and sorrow.  We mourn the loss and rejoice in a new found freedom.

Today we will say goodbye.  I want you to hear and know how much I have loved you; how much I have loved this work.  I am so privileged to have had this time with you with all its challenges, its struggles.  It has truly been a time of joy and sorrow. It is not easy to say goodbye, there is joy, there is sorrow, there is excitement for what is next and sorrow about leaving you.  Yet as May Sarton tells us if we can let go as the trees let go of their leaves, love will endure.  Our work has borne good fruit and now is the time of letting go.  We will walk into a time of uncertainty, knowing it is necessary and good. This goodbye is the consummation of our work. You asked for a minister to lead you through this time, to help you be ready to welcome a new minister and you are ready.  I wish you all the best as you welcome David.  You did the work and you are ready to open your hearts to David. Now we say goodbye, grateful for this time ... today, we celebrate amidst tears … tomorrow, we begin again ... and we know that in letting go, love endures.

Blessed Be!