Leadership and Ethics: Lessons from Starbucks

Diversity, inclusion, racism, misogyny, #metoo, #blacklivesmatter, are common news topics. Really every day a new story of white privilege and male privilege fill our newsfeeds. For all those that make the case that systemic racism and sexism is still thriving and in some ways has found new fertile ground, there are others who deny it, refuse to see it and see those who share their experiences with racism and sexism as attention seeking victims.

One of these stories was the police being called to a Starbucks and arresting two African American men who were waiting for a third person to join them. From a simple request to use the restroom while waiting for their friend to arrive and the plan to order and spend time and money at the Starbucks, escalated to the police coming and arresting the two men, just as the friend arrived. The video has now made its way around the web, white people shocked that this happened, people of color shaking their heads at yet another example of white privilege, with both Starbucks and the police left with the question of what's next. What is different in this story, is the response of Starbucks CEO, Kevin Johnson. He owned that this was about bias, it was about racism, and his response was unequivocal - "was nothing but reprehensible."

If you have not yet seen the video of his statement and apology, go watch it. He demonstrates leadership, integrity, and putting his ethics into action. In addition, as you listen to his apology - notice what is in it and what is not.

In his apology, he takes full responsibility for what happened. As the CEO, he owns that in the end, responsibility begins and ends with him. He just takes responsibility. He offers no excuses or explanations. He doesn't deflect blame to the manager or to the police. He says, this is a "management problem and it is one I need to fix, making sure this doesn't happen again."

What is so remarkable is the unequivocal way he apologizes and takes responsibility. It is so rare that we hear an apology like this one. Here are a few things that make his apology so unique:

• there is no "I am sorry if feelings were hurt"
• there is no "I am sorry and yet.....there were these extenuating circumstances that let you know it isn't really my fault"
• he does say "I am responsible"
• he does say "I am sorry"
• he does say "I am going to take steps to make this better"
• he names specific actions that he is proposing and ones he has already taken and
• within a day, released a planned anti-bias training that included closing the stories for employees to attend.

Now I want you to think about the last public figure apology you heard or saw, the last apology you gave, and/ or the last apology you received. Did the person take full responsibility without explanation or trying to excuse it away? Did the apology include an "if" as in "if I hurt you, or "if I was offensive"? Did the apology include "I want to make sure this doesn't happen again" or "how can I make amends?"

Kevin Johnson is setting an example for his company and employees as well as the rest of us. Being an ethical organization begins at the top and it is not just a nice set of statements hung on the walls and posted in every employee's cubicle. It is not just about what will keep one from being sued or going to jail. It is a culture that walks its talk. It is a culture that expresses its values, integrity, and ethics in everything they do. It is expressed in their personnel policies, the way they treat their customers, the letting nothing - even profit - come before one's values.  It will cost Starbucks an estimated $12 million in lost revenue to close its store for an afternoon - take that in - $12 million!

We are not accustomed to this. We are accustomed to the Well Fargo disaster where employees opened accounts without permission of the account holder in the name of profit, our public officials who lie openly and boldfaced with no shame, companies that promise to stay in the United States, maintain jobs and then do rounds of layoffs and take those jobs overseas, all the various incidents with airlines, and nearly every industry has a story of the lack of ethics, the lack of integrity, in the name of the bottom line.

That is what makes his apology and actions so important. Is he perfect? No. Will this happen again, even at a Starbucks? Probably. What is important is that he is giving all of us an example of what leadership, ethical leadership is and looks like. We need many more leaders like this and we need to start being this way in our own lives.

It is hard to say "I am sorry" and tack on nothing else. Usually, we want to do something like "I am so sorry I am late, traffic was terrible (regardless of whether it was or not); I am sorry I forgot, I was xxxx." We want to explain ourselves, we want to say "I am not a bad person." "Please don't be mad at me." It is a habit and so common we may not even notice it. So I challenge you, the next time you need to apologize, try "I am sorry I did X or didn't do X or forgot X. I should not have done that or I should have ..." Then stop, just stop - don't explain, don't add anything. This is hard - really hard. Sit in the discomfort. I can't promise you that all will be well, but do pay attention to how this feels. Pay attention to the response you get from the other person. The difference between an apology that is truly an apology, that truly takes responsibility, is different, it is genuine. We are very habituated to giving excuses with our apologies, so stop and think as you start to say "I'm sorry" and practice not tacking anything on. If you are a parent, practice with your child: replace "I'm sorry I yelled and lost my temper but you were not cooperating and we were late" with "I'm sorry, I yelled, I lost my temper, yes I was frustrated that x y or z was not happening, that is not an excuse for yelling. I am sorry." What can you add? "I am going to count to ten the next time I feel myself getting ready to yell." "Next time, I think we both may need to walk away and try again in a few minutes." In this way, we model taking responsibility, which is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. Yep, I mess up too and I am taking responsibility for it. Is it easy? Does it always feel good? No, and it is the right thing to do.

Imagine if in our homes, schools, faith communities, public offices, companies, we put ethics first, we put integrity first. We have homes, schools, faith communities, public officials and companies that do this. How are those places different? What if we began to demand from ourselves this level of integrity and then begin demanding it from our institutions? What if we refused to accept the empty apologies, the lovely worded statement of values that in no way matches the behavior of the organization? What if we rewarded the ethical organization?

So thank you, Kevin Johnson, We all have a great deal to learn from your example!

Struggling with Beings both Human and Divine

With my hair still wet from the mikveh and my certificate

As part of my journey to conversion, I wrote a D'var Torah on a passage of my choosing. I chose Genesis 32: 25-33. I saw the Beit Den and immersed in the Mikveh on Tuesday. It was a profound and transforming experience, one that still feels both amazing and overwhelming. I am so incredibly grateful to the companions and teachers on this journey. I am so grateful to Congregation Or Ami for its welcome and embrace! Now that I am a full member of the Tribe - I share this reflection.

D’var Torah: Genesis 32:25-33

Jacob’s struggle with God/an angel resonates with me on such a deep level and has for many years. I see my own spiritual journey as one of wrestling with God. Wrestling with myself, with religious institutions, with all I have learned, and so it makes perfect sense that I would finally find my home, my people, my God among Israelites - those who struggle with God.

Jacob’s encounter with the angel comes after his dream where he sees angels ascending and descending on a ladder (Genesis 28:12-13) and the night before he is to see his brother, Esau, since he stole his blessing. Jacob has learned some hard lessons since he last saw Esau. He himself has been tricked by Laban - laboring for seven years and then Laben substitutes Leah for Rachel. He has served Laban for many years, amassing his own wealth, enabling him to flee Laban. In addition, his marriages have given him eleven sons, a daughter, and Rachel, his beloved, is pregnant with his twelfth son. He is not the same man who took his brother’s birthright for a bowl of stew; or with his mother’s help stole his father’s blessing. He knows how it feels to be in Esau’s shoes and it tells us a great deal about Jacob, that he fears his brother’s anger.

So the night before this meeting that Jacob dreads, he wrestles with a man, the text tell us. They wrestled all night. In the morning, the man wrenched Jacob’s hip. Jacob stops the man from leaving and demands a blessing. This demand for a blessing is classic Jacob. He has no problem demanding what it is he wants and doing what it takes to get it. The man asks his name, which is itself is strange if the being is an angel or God, would he not already know Jacob’s name? He then tells Jacob, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with beings divine and human, and have prevailed.” Yet who is this being that Jacob wrestles with all night?

Sforno, Rashi, and Chizkuni all affirm that the being is an angel but have different explanations about who the angel is or what the struggle represents. For Sforno, the struggle symbolic of all of Jewish history. The Jewish people would struggle, struggle all night long, yet in the end the Jewish people will prevail. Rashi tells us that the angel is Jacob’s guardian angel and yet he also struggles with Esau. Finally Chizkuni, argues that the angel is Esau’s protective power that both makes sure Jacob will show up in the morning and to assure him that Esau will not harm him. Jacob tells us that he wrestled with God and names the place Peniel - I have encountered God face to face and yet I live.

Rabbi Charles Kroff in his D’var Torah, “Chasing Your Demons: Finding Your Friend” tells the story of a family where the four sisters are all in conflict with each other at the funeral of their father. They refuse to sit together, look at each other or interact in any way. Rabbi Kroff contrasts this with how Jacob wrestles with himself, with Esau, with God, which then results in the embrace of Esau and Jacob the next day. Esau does not harbor bitterness or anger. Jacob can accept the embrace because he has wrestled with what he had done, with Esau, with God, with himself - he can take responsibility for what he did. Rabbi Kroff asks “Haven’t we all struggled with our fears and our vulnerabilities at some time in the dead of night?”

Rabbi Kroff quotes Rabbi Cohen saying that Jacob"was conscious of all the different forces in his life with which he struggled: God, Esau, the side of himself that haunted him like a shadow. He was surely confronting both the human and divine in his life... That night, all the parts of Jacob and all the parts of his life came together, and he would never be the same" Rabbi Kroff tells us that this wrestling leads to transformation, to a new name to represent that who Jacob was when he laid down the night is not who he is in the morning. Jacob asks for a blessing and is given a new name, Israel. Jacob struggled with God, himself and other humans.  Israel means one who struggles and prevails with beings both human and divine. However we understand Jacob’s experience - a dream, vision, or an actual physical battles, it is only through being willing to face what we fear, face ourselves, face truth, face God, that we can transform. I would say that for Jacob, that struggle through the night is the cumulation of a lifetime of struggle, and in the morning Jacob can finally embrace his full self. Florida Scott Maxwell states “You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done … you are fierce with reality.”

I have wrestled with myself, with life, and I don’t know whether I have yet achieved having possesed all I have been and done. I do know that in my own wrestling, my own long, sleepless nights, I too have been transformed. Nowhere is this more true, than in my spiritual journey. To come to this place, to find my spiritual home within in Judaism, is not possible without struggling with first with the religious tradition I was brought up in, my search for a spiritual home within Christianity and within Unitarian Universalism. Yet is not just with religious institutions or traditions - in some ways they are only the surface, I have also had to struggle with God, with myself, with where I belong, who am I and who am I meant to be, and certainly struggle with the demons of insecurity, doubt, fear.

When I say I have found a home in Judaism, that home is not a place to get comfortable, to be quiet, or to cease from struggle. Oh it may be all that at times, and it is also loud, opinionated, with a fierce wrestling with God, with tradition, with Torah, and with how to live life fully and in service to healing the world. Not even Jacob stops struggling, soon he will lose Rachel, think he has lost his son Joseph, and will end his days not in his homeland, but in Egypt.

Part of conversion to Judaism is to choose a Hebrew name.  There are many ways to go about this process but for me it was this text. This text that resonates so deeply with my own journey. I choose Yisraela (יִשְׂרְאֵלָה) as my Hebrew name. It will serve as a reminder of the struggle to this point and that life will continue to offer challenges with beings both human and divine.

Grateful for Failure?

With yet another "we have decided not to move forward with you, thank you for your time" result of a job interview, I find myself reflecting on the question of whether or not to be grateful for failure. All too often, there is a rush to turn the failure or setback around into something positive, into "the next one will be the right one" or "must not have been meant to be." It hurts to be told no; it hurts to fail, to have yet another setback. It took everything I had not to cry on the phone with the recruiter.  I shed many tears that night and I am grateful for the friends and my coach who offered a listening ear, comfort, and just let me be without jumping to lessons learned and what comes next.

Now that we are on the other side of the holidays and 2018 has begun, I am ready to take the next steps. I took a full break from job hunting - unsubscribed from job posting lists, did not do any networking and made the decision that I needed to thoroughly look at what I have done and what I need to do going forward. In addition, the focus on the job search which has been unrelenting for over two years, has meant things like my conversion journey were often put aside. My first priority for 2018 is to finish all the written homework I have for my conversion and then figure out what the next steps are. I am ready to be a full member of the tribe!

In my study of Judaism, particularly as I explore music, I have come across this idea of failure, set-back, roadblocks as things to be grateful for; to not worry; that all this is in one's favor, and that everything that is mine will come in time.  One of the places this comes up is in this beautiful version of Modeh Ani. Each morning I watch and listen and offer my thanks for another day. Here are the lines that I am referring to:

Modeh Ani

על כל כישלונותיי מודה אני

Al kol kishlonotai modeh ani

For all my failures I give you thanks

על אכזבותיי פחדיי ומכשוליי

Al aczavutai pachadai umkshulai
For every letdown, fear, and setback

הם כולם לטובתי

Hem kulam ltovati

They are all in my favor

The second song is the parody of "Despacito" by the Maccabeats.

Despacito - Maccabeats

דספסיטו

Despacito

Slowly

קח את החיים שלך בדספסיטו

Kach et hachayim shelcha bedespacito

Take your life slowly

כל דבר בזמן שלו יבוא קרידו

Kol davar bazman shelo yavo querido

Everything that's yours in it's time will come, dear

וכל עכבה זה טוב רק תאמין בו

Vechol ekaba ze tov rak ta’amin bo

And any obstruction is good only believe it,

My rabbi sent me to look up Taanit 21a and the story of Rabbi Nachum Ish Gam-Zu, whose name means "all for the best." He was called that as it was what he said all the time. He insisted that no matter what the calamity that happened to him "it was all for the best." As I delved further and read more commentaries, it is clear that this notion that "all is for the good" is grounded in the assertion that everything that happens, comes from God and since God cannot do bad things, then everything, no matter how awful, must be "all for the best." This is grounded in the assertion that God is omnipotent, all powerful, an idea I have long rejected. I wonder if Rabbi Nachum Ish Gam-Zu would be able to assert that even the Holocaust "was for the best." It was the Holocaust, other genocides, and the way people so often treat each other as objects to be used and discarded that led to my rejection of the omnipotence of God. Now this is a classical theological question called theodicy and I am not the first to reject the omnipotence of God or that God has some master plan that is beyond our understanding so just trust that it will all work out.

So what about being grateful for failure? If God is not all powerful, then suffering does not come from God. Harold Kushner's answer that creation is on-going and incomplete provides part of this answer. The assertion that we are commanded to tikkun olam - repairing the world, means it is our task to do our part in alleviating suffering. Does this mean I don't believe there is a plan or some greater purpose? No, there is a plan and yes it is beyond any single person's understanding and it is ever evolving. If creation is not a "one and done" event but never ceasing, then the plan is ever evolving as well. We each have a part and role in the plan - we each have a purpose, our part in healing this world. If that is the case, then we are going to get it wrong sometimes. We are going to mistakes, there will be setbacks, there will be suffering.

Viktor Frankl asserted, quoting Nietzsche, that "a person could survive almost any how, if the person knew why." Frankl asserted that their must be meaning in suffering. This, however, was not a static meaning. Meaning evolved as our life changes and evolves. He had one purpose in the camps - to accept the suffering he and the other prisoners were experiencing without turning away or escaping into fantasy and later his meaning or his purpose was to help others find the meaning in their lives. Frankl did not sugar-coat suffering or even say it was good. In fact Frankl said "But let me make it perfectly clear that in no way is suffering necessary to find meaning. I only insist that meaning is possible even in spite of suffering—provided, certainly, that the suffering is unavoidable. If it were avoidable, however, the meaningful thing to do would be to remove its cause, be it psychological, biological or political. To suffer unnecessarily is masochistic rather than heroic." (Man's Search for Meaning, @69% in Kindle edition) So those in the concentration camps must not asked to see the suffering as good or even justified and whatever meaning people found there could never justify the evil of the camps. The suffering of the concentration camps could have been avoided and should have never happened. Much of human suffering - poverty, hunger, violence, war - these are of our own making and just as we have made it - we can end it. In fact, if we are to take tikkun olam seriously, then we are commanded to end it.

So be grateful for failure, for set-back? Yes, there is reason to give thanks even for the failures, the setbacks, the obstacles, at least in cases like not being offered a job. It hurts, absolutely, and yet in stepping back, taking a larger view, I can choose to see it as part of this process. Job searching is not for the faint of heart because one will often hear "no" far more often than "yes."  Maybe it was for the best and is too soon to know. Yet in the morning, I can give thanks for failure because it is a part of life. It is how we learn. One of the greatest gifts Judaism has given me, is permission to fail, the expectation that we will fail and have setbacks. If we accept that, then we can keep going.

My Favorite Weekly Jewish Ritual: Havdalah

The deeper my journey into Judaism, the deeper my Shabbat observance and practice. It is powerful to draw on this ancient weekly holiday and make it meaningful in contemporary life. My favorite ritual of Shabbat (outside of Friday evening services) is Havdalah.

This Hanukkah my family gifted me with a beautiful Havdalah set.

I decided to make my own spice mix for the spice box. In looking up how to do this I found plenty of do-it-yourself bags and boxes and a list of possible spices. There is one spice store that actually sells a Havdalah spice mix. I used their ingredient list as inspiration for my own. The traditional spices are cloves and cardamom and sometimes cinnamon. In fact, my new spice box was filled with whole cloves.  So I chose the following mix of spices that I found at my local Penzey's (I love Penzey's!): Ceylon Cinnamon, Cardamon Seeds, Whole Cloves, and Orange Peel.

I started looking around the web to see if I was supposed to grind the spices or leave them whole or what. I didn't find any specific instructions and from the photos, the spices were mostly whole or in big pieces. So I mixed the spices in a small container that I could seal with a lid for storage. I took about 20 whole cloves, half of a cinnamon stick, 2-3 cardamom seeds, and a generous sprinkling of orange peel. Cardamom seeds have a very strong scent so I used the least of those. I mixed it based on how it smelled, particularly with the orange peel. It is really about personal preference. I took a plastic knife and blended them together. So here is what mine looked like:

Then I filled the spice box and put the lid on what was left.

My cats are usually my company for Havdalah and I am still working on Hebrew (this will be a lifelong learning project), I found a great version of the Havdalah prayers from The Shabbos Project. In 2014, at the end of this global observance of Shabbat many locations held large public Havdalah services.  The Maccabeats and Netanel Hershtik created a video with images from the 2014 Havdalah services around the globe. It is fun to watch the video with pictures of Havdalah from around the world. Most useful, however, is that there is a version that is just the lyrics in Hebrew, transliteration into English and the English translation!! So each Saturday evening, I pray along with the Maccabeats and Netanel Hershtik. It is a beautiful way to mark the end of Shabbat and to carry its sweetness into the week ahead!

Shavua Tov!

Passion and Work: A Dialogue

A couple of months ago, Doug Pointer, from The School of Success, posted this on his Facebook page: “He said to me “You want me to tell you what my passion is and go work in it? How am I supposed to do that? I just do what they tell me and earn the money.“ How sad is that?” In reading this, I had a very strong and visceral response, “Is it sad?” Could it be enough that this person has a job, it pays him an adequate salary, and his soul is not being crushed or devoured, is it ok to just “have a job” or does it have to be your passion for one to truly be happy and fulfilled?"

Doug and I know each other through Career Prospectors. He and I have had a few conversations about the role of passion in work and career, so this was my response:

OK diving into the rapids here! Do you like what you do? Are you skilled and experienced such that you have options and choices about your career? Is the work sucking your soul out of you? If it is, then what are your options? What skills do you possess that solve employers' problems? How important is it to you that you love your job and find meaning in it? Do you want a job that demands less ie go to work and do what I am told but pays the bills, provides enough, hence leaving you with energy and time to put into other priorities? Where does work fall in the midst of your priorities? How much of your energy and time are you willing to commit to having a career, not just a job, a calling, your passion? What may have to be sacrificed in service to that career?

Doug’s Response: “What are the answers to your own questions?" 

Writing the answers to these questions was a great exercise! So I am sharing my answers and I invite others to share their own. How important is passion in your work? 

1. Do you like what you do? 

Yes! I love both of my part-time jobs. I do love teaching and I have the variety of teaching junior high and college students. 

2) Are you skilled and experienced such that you have options and choices about your career?

Yes, to a certain degree. My skills in teaching, public speaking, facilitation, event planning, community outreach along with some tech skills like website design and maintenance, social media are very transferable. The challenge is that because I gained my experience in places not expected by most employers (ie congregations) and my expertise is religion and ethics which are not as common outside the nonprofit sector where I have spent my career. This means I have to do more work to demonstrate those transferable skills to an employer and it also means I have to learn the language I need to communicate that. 

3) Is the work sucking your soul out of you? If it is, then what are your options?

The work is not but the lack of consistent work and income is. The financial anxiety caused by lack of income, no credit, no savings, is the equivalent of a daily encounter with a hungry wooly mammoth. Options: secure the illusive job that pays enough with health benefits; my spouse gets granted her Social Security disability, we get the back payments and a regular monthly disability check; winning the lottery; death of a long lost relative who leaves one of us a fortune (ok the last two are highly unlikely).

4) What skills do you possess that solve employers' problems?

• Training - every organization needs training for people - whether it is skills training, diversity training, professional development. I have experience in all kinds of training/teaching from traditional higher education to a variety of software and application classes professionally and as a volunteer to leadership development with youth, young adults and adults in academia and congregations.
• Public Speaking and Community Engagement - while many dread the thought of public speaking I love it so I would be an excellent spokesperson, community liaison because my public speaking with my love of networking would make me an exceptional person to take the message or the organization into the larger community.
• Ethics - really every organization needs to be thinking and cultivating a culture of ethics that moves beyond what is legal, especially in today's world where much of our current public discourse is ultimately about ethics. Ethics are not just intuited out of the ether - to have an ethical organization, there needs to be an ethical culture at every level of an organization. I can speak both to high level ethics - ie human rights, common good - I can also speak to specifics. Ethics can be taught, an ethical imagination can be cultivated. People can be led through a process of ethical dilemmas and decision making. So even what may seem the most irrelevant to a secular organization - my Masters in Theological Studies - gives me expertise in ethics and social theory which brings knowledge of a range of topics needed by every organization.

5) How important is it to you that you love your job and find meaning in it? 

This used to be top of my list, particularly in terms of the kinds of jobs and industries. Now ethics and integrity are important and using my skills, putting my gifts to work brings joy even if the particularly organization or topic is not my passion. I learned I love teaching Google Docs just like I love teaching ethics. 

Now I want to use my skills (because what else do I have to offer) in an ethical organization (ie not willing to sell my soul to a defense contractor) that will pay me enough to support myself and my family. Supporting my family, having health insurance and financial stability - and maybe if I am lucky, a chance to retire is a more urgent priority than the job/organization match my greatest passion and quest for meaning. I would rather have a well paying job in an ethical corporation then a poor paying job in a non-profit committed to multifaith engagement and dialogue.

6) Do you want a job that demands less, ie go to work and do what I am told but pays the bills, provides sufficient income and benefits, but not your passion, does not necessarily invoke “I love my job” but you the time and energy to put into other priorities? 

I would say “yes,” since I have realized that what I want is a complete life - not just a job or a career. My father used to say “you work so you can live; you don’t live so you can work.” I see more truth in this now then I did before. Time is precious and I have spent a great deal of it working for organizations, doing work that I love, being underpaid, under appreciated, and left me at the end with nothing financially. My career is one part of and critical to support a complete life.

7) Where does work fall in the midst of your priorities? How much of your energy and time are you willing to commit to having a career, not just a job, a calling, your passion? What may have to be sacrificed in service to that career?

Work for survival reasons is a top priority for me since the lack of enough work puts me and those I love in constant jeopardy. I am more willing than other times to put time into a career as my daughter is about to turn 18. I would be willing to give more to building a career as long as that did not become unbalanced with other important things like family, cooking, reading, Shabbat and Jewish practice and a Jewish home, time for myself, rest, and my cats.

I will close this with some words from a blog post I wrote as we were getting ready to move to Richmond: We Are Called Unto Life:

What I have learned is that I want a life, a full life, a complete life. I want it filled with people and community. I feel like over time I made myself smaller, shrank my world down and now I want to burst forth and explore the world. I think this year of struggle and tears helped me to see what the holy has been trying to say all along. One of my favorite quotes about vocation is from Herbert Alphonso, SJ and he writes, "Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about---quite apart from what I would like it to be about---or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.... Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear." It is about my whole life, not my job, but my life.

So what does it mean to you to have a full, complete life? 

Where does work fit into that?

Hannah's Prayer: Seeking Work

Inspired by the sermon my Rabbi preached on Rosh Hashanah morning, I wrote this prayer. I had asked if there was a Jewish prayer for job seekers and apparently there is not and her sermon finally gave me the inspiration needed. The story of Hannah from the book of Samuel is the haftarah for the Rosh Hashanah morning service.

Hannah's Prayer: Seeking Work

"And she was bitter in spirit, and she prayed to the Lord, and wept." (Samuel 1:10)

"And Hannah wept. Feelings of loneliness consumed her, and she began questioning her self-worth. “What is wrong with me?”, she asked. “Am I not good enough?”, she pondered. Struggling with infertility, Hannah fell into the deep abyss of depression. Filled with sadness, anger, and frustration, she did what no one had done before. She made an impassioned plea to God, not simply praying for a child, but praying that one day she might feel whole again." (a modern midrash)

Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha'olam, Borei

I come to you, like Hannah, filled with sorrow, rage, and despair. 

For too long now, I have been out of work, not found work, not had enough work

My hope is faltering

I wonder "What is wrong with me?"; I wonder if I will ever work again; I wonder why and who is to blame.

I blame myself.

I come to you Adonai, as Hannah did, to pour my heart out to you, to beg you to hear my plea, to hear my pain, my fear, my anger, my frustration.

I long to use my gifts, skills, and experience; I long to be able to support myself and my family

I long for work - Hannah saw having a child, a son, her work, her unique contribution to the world.

I too long for work, to make my contribution to the world. 

God hear me, hear my plea.

Who will hear me like Eli heard Hannah? 

May I be able to pour out my anger, my sorrow, to free the way of obstacles. 

May my cry be heard, may my life become fruitful and of service. 

I promise to use my gifts, my resources to help heal this world, to be the co-creator you invite us to be. I promise, as Hannah promised her child to you, that my work will be in service to you and to the world. 

Amen.

Sometimes Dreams Die

Sometimes dreams die and when they do a part of you dies too. Maybe you remember the exact moment the dream died.  You know exactly where you were. Exactly what you were doing.  Maybe you felt yourself die a little that day. You will get over it, you tried to convince yourself. You will be sad, but you will move on.

Months have passed, years have passed and there has been no re-birth. You have tried to fill the dream with something else, tried to fill the large gaping hole in your soul. Maybe you have worked on a new dream, maybe you have cried, and worked to forgive yourself, forgive yourself for killing it, even if you did not mean to.  Sometimes you may not even know at the time the dream died, maybe you thought there would be time for it later.

There is no funeral for dreams.  No yahrzeit candle is lit or yahrzeit anniversary observed.  No grave to visit because the dead part, it is still with you. It is a part of you.  It is like a limb that doesn't work anymore, or cells that die. They are still there, they are still part of you and they are dead. You are walking around, you look alive, there are even moments when you feel alive. Then it hits you again, you see so clearly how part of you is just dead.

People say that "it is never too late." That is a lie. Dreams do die and it is too late. Parts of yourself can die while you still walk around. You cry out to G-d. You pray for healing; for an end to the grief. To accept what has happened and move forward.

Sometimes dreams die and sometimes when that happens, part of you dies too. Sometimes you never fully recover; you never completely move on.

What is the mourner's prayer for a dream, a part of self that has died?

If someone you know shares with you a dream that has died, a part of them has died, know they are sharing a very deep and holy place with you. Please don't try to fix it. Please just hold them. Please don't run away. Please don't tell them there will be a new dream. Just be there. Just know that all they can do is carry this. It may not make sense to you. If you love them, just stay there, just be there. Just let them know that you honor this dream, this part of you that has died. Grieve with them even if you don't understand.  Know they must trust you deeply to share this with you.

It will not be easy to just be there. You will want to fix it. You will want to fill the space with false hope. You will want to fill it with words. None of that will work. The person will shrink away. Maybe you won't notice but they will. They will know that this deep, painful, holy place is not safe with you. It hurts you say, yes it does. Do not be like's Job's friends who after sitting in silence with him told him all things he should do to fix it.

Do be like Job's friends who sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights in silence and saw how deep the pain was. Cry with them. Hold them. Remind them they are loved.  Remind them they are important. Remind them they are not alone.

Comfort them.